Rolling Right Along
On Falling Off the Wagon, and Being Forced to Try Again
Jael’s giggles floated through the air as we walked. She happily rode in a wagon pulled by a little friend on a bike. They bounced and bumped and biked along until, stopping to unzip jackets, Jael stood up on the wagon. Quicker than I could intervene, the little boy started pedaling again, tipping Jael right off the back of the wagon and into the middle of a street crosswalk. The wind knocked out of her, her wails filled the air. I scooped her up and comforted her, knowing it scared her more than injured her. I carried her on my back for a bit before putting her back in the wagon.
“No, Mommy!!” She cried as I put her back in the wagon.
“I will hold your hand, but I don’t want you to be afraid of wagons after this,” I said as gently as I could.
The remainder of the ride was a mix of tears when remembering the fall and laughter when flying over tree roots, but she made it back to the park in one piece and went on to joyfully play the rest of the morning.
If I’m being honest, I feel like I’ve fallen off the wagon in a lot of ways lately.
I have clean laundry piled in baskets in our guest room, waiting to be folded and/or put away for about 3 weeks (not to mention that I need to swap out winter and summer clothing). Pockets of clutter fill the house like a taunting to-do list. I can’t seem to keep on top of food prep, and when I do get food prepped, I end up getting sick from pregnancy reflux in the evenings. Our finances are in a weird spot as we walk out Luis’ job and doing what we feel called to do. Add in being 8 months pregnant and raising a toddler and I just constantly feel off-kilter.
But God, in his gracious mercy, has been parenting me. He has been allowing me to feel frustrated and unsure, pouring out all my fears and frets to Him. Then He has gently placed me back in my own wagon to reengage with life and keep rolling forward.
I’m learning how to simplify and manage my expectations of this season, and as I reframe them I realize how much we are actually accomplishing.
My house may be dustier than I want it to be, and we are still battling mice (cue the image of swords and the battle between the Nutcracker and the Mouse King), but a lot of other things are happening.
Jael switched into her toddler bed and has been sleeping much better, which means less interrupted sleep for me. I finished up several days filling in at my old school covering the occupational therapy caseload. We have been soaking up the sunshine and playing outside a lot. I chopped quite a few veggies to make up omelet bags and mirepoix bags for easy postpartum meal prep. I cleaned out my deep freezer. We cleaned up our yard (thanks to my mom!) and planted our container garden and some perennials. This was one of my pre-birth goals because I plan on hanging out on our porch all summer with Jael and the baby and I want it to be decluttered.
I’m remembering how to have fun and play.
I’m currently reading Spare from the library and am googling all details Royal Family. Luis and I have been playing more games in the evenings (most often grabbing Parks or Splendor). The other day, Jael wandered up to a swing at the park and it happened to be an “expression swing” - so we sat face-to-face and chatted. During naptime, I pulled out my watercolors and watched a YouTube tutorial. The creative community I’m a part of had a Girls' Night In and during the Zoom we did various writing exercises inspired by colors.
I love the Henri Matisse quote that says, “Creative people are curious, flexible, and independent with a tremendous spirit and a love of play.”
When I feel myself getting rigid and inflexible, I know it’s an indicator that I have not built in space for creativity (in any form). When I am creative and playful, I tend to stay in the wagon a little bit better.
Some days I’m driving the bike, other days I’m along for the ride in the wagon, and still other days I’ve fallen out and gotten the wind knocked out of me.
I hope that no matter what position you are in on the bike, wagon, or catching your breath on the ground or in a loved one’s arms, that you continue to keep going forward. Manage your expectations, celebrate the wins, and make time for play. You are going somewhere, and it’s still progress even if it looks differently than you anticipated.
The Good List
Jael’s 2nd Birthday - I bought donuts, chocolate milk, and cold brew coffee and we spent the morning playing at the park with lots of friends! It was perfection. Two notable moments were bird-related. One was Jael holding a tiny robin egg, until she “mashed it” when she accidentally dropped it. The other was one of the toddlers going, “Daddy, look!” and what we thought was a piece of trash was actually a dead cardinal.
Discipleship — I love seeing our women at church growing, getting healed, and being discipled. We have been in our spring semester (I co-lead it) and it has been a small but mighty group with rich conversations.
Getting Enough Sleep - It has been a game changer to not be settling a toddler 3-4 times a night (much different than nursing a newborn while mostly sleeping). This has made all the difference in my energy levels at 35 weeks pregnant and I’m trying to take advantage of it!
Colombian Coffee - a Colombian friend of ours brought coffee on his visit to the U.S. recently. Colombian coffee is my favorite and it makes me miss drinking mugs of it in Medellín. I was going to lead a missions trip to Colombia this summer, but now I’ll be having a baby and drinking iced coffee at home. All holy work. ;)
My Container Garden - I love planting my little urban garden. Last year I just did herbs and green peppers. This year I’m also doing zucchini, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, and spinach, so we will see what happens.
Rita’s Evenings - We have a Rita’s Italian Ice very close to us and have been slipping there maybe once a week or every few weeks in the evenings to grab gelatis and enjoy the cool air.
Hervé Tullet’s children’s book Press Here - Jael has been choosing this book almost nightly and I don’t get sick of the imaginativeness of it. It’s incredibly engaging and fun! We also love his other books.
“You don't have to reinvent the wheel every day. Today you will do what you did yesterday, and tomorrow you will do what you did today. Eventually you will get somewhere.”
- Chuck Close, painter
“When I feel myself getting rigid and inflexible, it’s an indicator that I have not built in space for creativity (in any form)” I feel his. Hard. Thanks 💛