Type C Mom

On plans and spontaneity

Photo by Matt Ridley on Unsplash

I was born a typical Type-A oldest child, but when I dove into healthy emotional regulation and healing from some unhealthy patterns in my twenties, I realized that a lot of the need to control that I felt was due to unmanaged fear and frustration. During this time period, I also did a lot of traveling both stateside and internationally and everyone knows that to truly travel, one has to be more relaxed at all the things that can change and shift. Add in a few years of being a school-based occupational therapy practitioner and I learned to have a plan and be able to recalibrate it quickly for whatever the situation called for: lack of supplies / space, kid tantrums, switched-up schedules at the school. By the time I had kids in my late twenties, the “have a plan, but recalibrate quickly” was my modus operandi, and as a Follower of Christ who wants to live unhurried and Holy-Spirit-led, even more so.

Somewhere along the innerweb’s timeline, a mom coined the term “Type C Mom” and truly, that is how I would describe myself.

“A Type C mom is a fusion of the classic hyper-organized Type A who always sticks to her well thought out schedule, and the more laid-back, go-with-the-flow, often-disorganized Type B…’I often see ‘Type C’ traits in moms who were once classic Type A—organized, detail-oriented, used to having a plan—but who’ve been softened by the realities (and chaos) of motherhood,” says Lisa Franks, LCSW. “These are the moms who love a color-coded calendar but have learned not to beat themselves up when the day goes off-script.’” - Parents.

Here are five thoughts on plans & spontaneity -

I.

I don’t even remember where my favorite advice came from when I was pregnant with my oldest five years ago, but it was essentially, Treat your first kid like they are your sixth kid.

I carried a lot of fear growing up. I remember laying in bed after 9/11, hearing the airplanes fly over, wondering if there were going to be terrorist attacks again. I quietly cried myself to sleep at camp and sleepovers well into my teens, so afraid that something would happen to my family while I was gone.

I’m a little bit obsessed with Attachment Theory (John Bowlby) and its posit that the emotional bonds with our caregivers play a huge role in feeling safe and secure, and these further drive relationships throughout our lifespan. Attachment Theory combined with having watched a video of Joseph Campos “Visual Cliff” experiment in a college human development class helped to solidify the type of mom I wanted to be. If I want kids who engage in the world with curiosity and questions, who do not let fear or other peoples’ opinions to fuel their choices, then I need to model that.

We go to stores and funerals and theaters. We hike and go on field trips and read books. We review expectations and take advantage of teachable moments and use “adventure” language. I often find people watching me with a slight smile, watching me juggle parenting and any other number of things - worshiping and doing tasks and writing and being myself. Like I told a stranger one time, “I’m either brave or crazy, but I’m doing it nonetheless!”

The biggest reward has been watching the girls engage with the world around them with genuineness, boundaries, ingenuity, and joy.

II.

It’s our typical Thursday afternoon routine, grocery shopping. We are selecting what fruits we want for our weekly snacks. I’m making meal lists in my head as I double check my list for known needs (see: all the dairy items). My youngest is screeching as loud as humanly possible in the aisles of Aldi until I finally grab Yogurt Bites off the shelf and start doling them out to her, meanwhile assuring my oldest that, yes, I can do this because I will be paying for them. We make it to the self-check out station where my oldest grabs the scanner. As much as I would love to fly through this, I let her scan each item, leaning into the breather the extra seconds give me to keep handing out snacks to the baby and to keep the toddler in check.

I buckle them in the car, parking my empty cart behind the car next to me until I can run it up to the store quickly after buckling the last kid in. A guy who just picked up his Aldi drive-up order sees the cart and presumably starts muttering at me while he drives away. I ignore this and keep buckling my toddler in.

I lock the kids in the car and dash up to the store, adding the cart back to its line.

“You did great in there,” a lady with her little girl encourages me, “I know it’s a lot when they are screaming and you are trying to get shopping done.”

“Yeah, I try really hard to keep her quiet for everyone else while also getting done what I need to. But sometimes it doesn’t work well,” I respond, with a shrug and half-smile.

“Well, anyone that is that bothered by kids shouldn’t be here,” she remarks, “Have a wonderful rest of your day!”

We part ways with smiles, and the girls and I head to our next errand.

III.

I gave birth to my third daughter on an early Wednesday morning. I knew that I’d have a 24-hour postpartum visit the next day, so as I laid in bed post-birth, I asked my midwife, “Thursdays I have mom group in the morning and market in the afternoon. Could I schedule my visit for later in the afternoon?” She gave me an incredulous look and said something along the lines of - “Only you, Elizabeth.”

We went to moms group where I showed off my one-day-old baby and my older two played on the playground as my mom kept her eye on them. Then we went to the farmer’s market where all my Amish friends peaked into my baby carrier to meet her.

We took it easy, but stuck to our plan and it was such a special day of healing post-partum and embracing outings with three kids.

IV.

It’s a freezing December day, but we desperately need the fresh air so everyone is bundled up in snow clothes and gloves and coats. I’m particularly excited for this hike as it’s at one of my favorite nature preserves. Several of our regular families are here, and a new mom and her kids have come for the first time.

Ten minutes into the hike, all three of my kids are screaming and upset. The baby is exhausted and fighting sleep in my Happy Baby Carrier. The toddler has cold hands because she is refusing to leave the gloves I’ve brought for her. I’m not even sure what my eldest’s problem is other than “I don’t feel like hiking.”

I’m supposed to be the leader of the hike, but I’ve long since released the expectation that I’m going to be at the front of the pack. I urge everyone just to keep going ahead and explore. By the midpoint of the hike, we’ve meandered past raccoon tracks on the bridge and dropped sticks in the water from the “Pooh Sticks” basket, and everyone is relatively happy (or asleep). By the time the hike is over, I take lots of deep breaths and remind myself that these are the moments that teach all of us. I bundle everyone into the car and we go to one of our favorite local cafes to warm up with foamy, hot drinks.

…

I get a lot of messages from moms in regards to my Wild + Free hiking group.

“Our goal is to get outside, not go a certain number of miles. Your kids aren’t too young or too old. Just come and notice the way the mushrooms are growing, and practice tree identification, and catch crayfish in plastic coffee cups grabbed out of the trash bag in my car. Oh yeah, and someone’s kid will probably be absolutely losing it at some point in the hike. 50/50 chance that it’s one of mine. Pack lots of snack options and keep your expectations low.”

V.

I had snuck away to the Barnes’ and Noble Starbucks to work on doula coursework one evening. I studied and prepared hand outs. I sipped coffee and glanced around at the people around me.

There was a group of three ladies chatting within earshot. I listened as they studied the Bible together and noticed that two out of three of them had rounded, pregnant bellies. Their talk turned to childbirth education classes about the time I needed to run to the bathroom, so on my way by them, I said, “Hey! I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about two of my favorite things - Jesus and birth! I’m a birth doula and I was wondering who you did a childbirth education class with so I can add them to my list of resources.” They were happy to oblige and one of the ladies said, “I’m looking for a doula! Could I have your information??”

And that’s how leaning into the spontaneous gained me a doula client who has now become a friend (and soon-to-be repeat client!)

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I’ve learned that as I relax my hold on the script of life, I create more space for the miraculous moments of life to happen. I have more lovely little conversations with strangers. I have time to find ways to bless those around me. I have more patience for the endless questions of my kids as they explore life.

It’s good to have a plan: it keeps us from wasting time and gives us direction. But may we never hold so tightly to the plan that we forget to bear witness to the truth, goodness, and beauty that appears in front of us in ways we never could have conjured up.

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This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Unscripted."