Pockets of Time
Pondering, Processing, & St. Patrick's Day
The ugly burn of resentment started crawling up my heart as Wednesday dawned. I was on day 3 of an irritable teething toddler, an out-of-town husband, and waking up to kicking feet on my face and side throughout the night. Add on top of that, zero alone time to recharge and process, a hectic schedule for weeks on end, and an ever-growing and semi-achy pregnant body and you have a recipe for a stewing detonation.
By the time my husband called Wednesday afternoon to let me know his ETA, I was crying angry tears as I held my napping girl. On a whim, I asked, “Do we have any plans tomorrow night?”
“No,” Luis answered, “do you want to go to Plum Creek (the local creamery) as a family?”
“Honestly, I want to book an Airbnb for myself for the night. I need respite and rest, and I want to read and be in silence for a few hours.”
I googled my favorite local-ish AirBnb and the night was available so given the go-ahead, I booked it.
Arriving Thursday, I was greeted by the sweetest curious toddler and two ginormous dogs, a delectable homemade muffin, and a reminder on the wall “Come all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). The giant and fluffy California King Bed to myself for a night was just what I needed and I got the best sleep score (according to my FitBit) that I’ve had in several weeks.
Self-care and Motherhood can have such a swinging scale - we can get caught up in the “Mommy needs wine/coffee/etc.” and the unhealthiness of avoidance or escape in self-indulgence, or we can be so guilt-ridden that we don’t accurately identify what our soul and body truly need and sacrifice ourselves as mother martyrs.
Neither of these are judicious viewpoints to take.
In my tearful phone call with my husband, the words poured out, “I hate feeling resentful towards you, and frustrated and burnt out with Jael. I don’t like being a mom that is running out of patience and snapping at my nearly-two-year-old over stupid things and a wife that is wigging out on my husband after he has worked hard all day. But I also know that these are indicators that I need a breather. I haven’t had energy for creativity and there has been no space for alone time which I desperately crave. Can we work on helping give me pockets of time to create and pause?”
I was proud of myself for advocating for a break, for acknowledging that all of my reserves were exhausted.
I have been ruminating on Mary Oliver’s book “Upstream” and she quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson -
“I have confidence in the laws of morals as of botany. I have planted maize in my field every June for seventeen years and I never knew it come up strychnine. My parsley, beet, turnip, carrot, buck-thorn, chestnut, acorn, are as sure. I believe that justice produces justice, and injustice injustice.”
When my daughter is yelling more because I’m yelling more, that is a problem. When my husband is snippy with me because I’m snippy with him, that is a problem. What seeds am I sowing?
Sometimes when I don’t have the words to pray, we light a candle at our dining room table and say, “Christ is Light.” (thank you for this idea, Justin Whitmel Earley!) and read a prayer or liturgy during breakfast. Some of my favorite prayer books are To Light Their Way and Every Moment Holy. Even (and especially!) when I am reaching my own limits, I want to keep inviting in the Giver of Strength - Jesus.
As people, women, men, spouses, parents, and whatever other roles we fill, we are not machines. We MUST take time to rejuvenate in order to fully live excellently.
This is your reminder to check-in with yourself, and to create pockets in your days. Pockets to acknowledge how you are feeling and processing, and space to figure out what you can adjust. Pockets to dream and create, to read or converse, to move your body and breathe deeply of the fresh air.
I hope you are wearing green on this St. Patrick’s Day so you don’t get pinched, and I pray that your weekend is full of knowing Your Creator and the people around you, and being known!
“I have a Creator who knew all things, even before they were made - even me, his poor little child.” - St. Patrick
Yes! There's so many different kinds rest and I'm glad you were able to get the exact rest you needed. Also, that room looks dreamy!
Loved all of this. I love how you advocated for yourself but all of it was motivated by love and lead by the Spirit. I love where your reflections lead you and how you wrote about them. Thank you for your words ❤️